If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princesses lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
Women's Compact Book
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practising.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".
The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".
There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.
There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.
Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Romantic Jokes 1
Do you love me?
Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear
Lemon meringue pie!
I wish I had a penny for every boy that's asked me out.
Wow, so you'd have enough to use a public lavatory then!
Q: What would it take to get you to kiss me?
A: An anaesthetic!
Why is your face all scratched?
My girlfriend said it with flowers.
Not really, she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses!
I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too, but what was that you said about Martin!
Q: Do you like me?
A: Well, as boys go your OK, and the further you go the better!
Q: Where are you off to?
A: The doctors, I don't like the look of my husband.
Q: Can I come with you?
A: I can't stand the sight of mine!
Q: Could you be happy with a boy like me?
A: Maybe, If you weren't around too often!
She's such a nice bird.
She must be if she goes out with a worm like you!
The computer dating agency picked me out as an ideal boyfriend?
But who wants to go out with a computer!
Romantic Jokes 2
My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful
Well they do say that love is blind!
My husband is a man of many parts
Pity they weren't put together properly!
Q: What happened to that couple who met in a revolving door?
A: They're still going round together!
I've come to ask for your daughters hand in marriage.
Well you'll have to take the rest of her too or the deals off!
Girls whisper that they love me.
Well they'd hardly say it out loud now would they!
My brother fell in love with his wife the second time he met her.
He didn't know how rich she was the first time!
She wears her engagement ring on the wrong finger.
She probably feels she's engaged to the wrong man!
What did you get your girlfriend for Christmas?
A bottle of toilet water, it cost a fortune.
If you'd have come round our house you could have had as much water from out toilet as you wanted for free!
He has a leaning towards redheads.
Yes, but they keep pushing him away!
She was two thirds married once.
What do you mean?
Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom didn't!
Romantic Jokes 3
Q: Why do they call her an after dinner speaker?
A: Because every time she speaks to a man she's after a dinner!
Q: Did he really marry her because of her grandfathers fortune?
A: He denies it. He says he would have married her no matter who had left her a fortune!
His girlfriend returned all his letters.
I bet she marked them "second class male!"
I wish you were on TV
Would you love me if I were a TV star?
No, but I could switch you off!
My boyfriend is really clever, he has brains enough for two.
He sounds like the right boy for you!
I can't leave you.
Do you love me that much?
It's not that, your standing on my foot!
I got a lovely kitten for my girlfriend.
I wish I could make a trade like that!
My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!
I wouldn't say your girlfriend has a big mouth, but when she yawns her ears vanish!
When I grow up I'm going to marry the boy next door
I'm not allowed to cross the road!
Romantic Jokes 4
Q: Why do you want to be buried at sea?
A: To stop my wife dancing on my grave!
Q: What do cannibals do at a wedding?
A: Toast the bride and groom!
I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with.
I dyed my hair!
Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.
Of course. What's your phone number?
My girlfriend has beautiful long hair all down her back.
What a pity its not on her head!
I can marry anyone I please.
But you don't please anyone!
Boss: Why do you want time off next week?
Employee: To get married
Boss: What stupid woman would marry you?
Employee: Your daughter!
If Miss Piggy married Mr Back she'd be Piggy Back
Have you noticed how many girls don't want to get married these days
No, how do you know
I've asked all of them!
The girl I marry will have to be able to take a joke
That's the only kind your going to get!
Romantic Jokes 5
Q: Why aren't you going to marry David after all?
Well he said he'd die if I didn't, so thought I'd wait and see!
Sir, I'd like your daughter for my wife
Can't she get one of her own!
Boys fall in love with me at first sight.
Yes but at the second sight they realise they can't stand you!
Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world
What was I wearing?
Q: I'll cook you dinner, what would you like?
A: A life insurance policy!
They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight!
Julie's boyfriend told her he'd lost all his money
What did she say?
I'll miss you darling!
Before she was married your sister turned her husband's head with her good looks. Now she turns her stomach with her cooking!
Q: What's the wife of a hippy called?
My wife is one in a million
Really, I thought she was won in a raffle
Romantic Jokes 6
They're the perfect match, he's a history teacher and she likes dates.
They're the perfect match, she lies jogging and he's on the run from the law!
They're the perfect match, she works in the chip shop and there is something fishy about him!
They're the perfect match, she's a geologist and he's on the rocks!
Hey, you just shot my wife.
I'm so sorry, have a shot at mine!
When plus and minus got married they had an addition to the family. The thing is though he turned out to be a problem child!
Don't you think that man over there is the ugliest person you've ever seen.
He's my husband.
Oh dear, I am sorry.
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and said, "There is a burglar in the kitchen eating my home made steak and kidney pie"
"Oh dear", said her husband "Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance!"
Q: Which group of men on TV wear pastel coloured clothes and can't speak properly.
A: The telehubbies!
If you were my husband I'd put arsenic in your tea
And if I was your husband I'd drink it!