Saddam has just made a reportedly live TV appearance. He said, "To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were a bag of shite on Saturday".
The British Government claim that it could have been recorded months ago.
WAYS TO ANNOY OSAMA BIN LADEN
* Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
* Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
* Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
* Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
* Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
* Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
* Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
* Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
* Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
* Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
* Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
* Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Mohammed Rafi.
Mine his bathroom.
* Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
* Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
* Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.AmIhotOrNot.com
* Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
* Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".
* Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".
* Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
* Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
* At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
* Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
* Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
* Tell him that this is the worst pyjama party you've ever attended.
* Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
* Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
* Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
* Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
* Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
* Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
* Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
* Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
* Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
* They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on Friends.
* Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
* Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modelling.
* Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
* Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
* Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
* Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
* When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
AMAZING WHAT DOCTORS CAN DO
First man: "There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work in construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a bulldozer. Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today he's a concert pianist."
Second man: "That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I ever knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn bone in his body. Somehow they put him back together better than he was before. Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for the Olympics."
Third man: "Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave him a job as a stockboy. He was working in the warehouse one day and got locked in. It was dark and he couldn't find the door. Not being too bright, he lit a match to try to find his way. The whole place exploded. All they could find of him was a few fingers and his eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him back together and today that kid is the President of the USA"
IT'S THE PRESIDENT, STUPID! - BUSH QUOTES
"Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." -George W. Bush, June 4, 2001
"It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001
"So on behalf of a well-oiled unit of people who came together to serve something greater than themselves, congratulations." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001
"If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all." -George W. Bush, May 22, 2001
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." -George W. Bush, May 14
"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." -George W. Bush, May 11, 2001
"But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe." -George W. Bush, May 1, 2001
"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country." -George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." -George W. Bush, at the Summit of the Americas in Quebec City, April 21, 2001
"Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican." -George W. Bush, declining to take reporters' questions during a photo op with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, April 21, 2001
"It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children." -George W. Bush, on "parental empowerment in education," April 12, 2001
"I think we're making progress. We understand where the power of this country lay. It lays in the hearts and souls of Americans. It must lay in our pocketbooks. It lays in the willingness for people to work hard. But as importantly, it lays in the fact that we've got citizens from all walks of life, all political parties, that are willing to say, I want to love my neighbor. I want to make somebody's life just a little bit better." -George W. Bush, April 11, 2001
"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end." -George W. Bush, April 10, 2001
"It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is." -George W. Bush, at a White House Press conference, March 29, 2001
"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." -George W. Bush, speaking at the Radio & Television Correspondents dinner, March 29, 2001
"A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses - Hispanically owned or otherwise - pay taxes at the highest marginal rate." -George W. Bush, speaking to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, March 19, 2001
"But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the-that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans." -George W. Bush, in a media roundtable discussion, March 13, 2001
"I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military." -George W. Bush, speaking at Tyndall Air Force Base in Florida, March 12, 2001
"I suspect that had my dad not been president, he'd be asking the same questions: How'd your meeting go with so-and-so? … How did you feel when you stood up in front of the people for the State of the Union Address-state of the budget address, whatever you call it." -George W. Bush, in an interview with the Washington Post, March 9, 2001
"Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open." -George W. Bush, at the swearing-in ceremony for Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman, March 2, 2001
"My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt." -George W. Bush, in his budget address to Congress, Feb. 27, 2001
"I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese - that meant that they weren't very effective." -George W. Bush, during a White House press conference, Feb. 22, 2001
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' -George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001
"It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national - really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it."-George W. Bush, Feb. 8, 2001
"We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House - make no mistake about it." -George W. Bush, Feb. 7, 2001
"There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it." -George W. Bush, speaking to Catholic leaders at the White House, Jan. 31, 2001
"I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state." -George W. Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001
"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001
"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." -George W. Bush, in a pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report
"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"If he's - the inference is that somehow he thinks slavery is a - is a noble institution I would - I would strongly reject that assumption - that John Ashcroft is a open-minded, inclusive person."-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal - Antonio." -George W. Bush, on Laura Bush inviting Justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House, Jan. 2001
"I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be - a more literate country and a hopefuller country." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001