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Thread: Computer & Technology joke

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    Computer & Technology joke

    Error Messages


     


    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

    When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

    He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.



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    Types of Girls


    Hard Disk Girls:
    She remembers everything, FOREVER.

    RAM Girls:
    She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

    Windows Girls:
    Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

    Screensaver Girls:
    She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

    Internet Girls:
    Difficult to access.

    Server Girls:
    Always busy when you need her.

    Multimedia Girls:
    She makes horrible things look beautiful.

    CD-ROM Girls:
    She is always faster and faster.

    Email Girls:
    Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

    Virus Girls:
    Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

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    Super Computer

    The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

    "This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

    At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

    "Where is my father?" he asked.

    There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

    On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

    Clever Guest laughed.

    "Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

    It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

    Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

    Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."

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    Mass Mail

    The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man.'

    The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

    Sir,
    It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

    The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

    Dear Sir,
    I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

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    Globalization


    Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
    Answer: Princess Diana's death.
    Question: How come?
    Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.
    That, my friends, is Globalization!!

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    Ad Space!


    Microsoft to sell Ad space in error messages
    Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.
    "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "Illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director.
    The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

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    Troubling end!

    One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets.
    He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
    The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
    He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
    The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

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    Technically correct!!!

    A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
    The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window.
    The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters.
    The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building.
    Their sign read, "You are in a helicopter."
    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely.
    After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You are in a helicopter" sign helped determine their position.
    The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!"

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    Extremely efficient!

    Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
    Turning to the other two engineers, he said, `At Wipro, we are trained to be extremely thorough.`
    The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
    He turned and said, `At TCS, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.`
    The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, `At INFY we don`t pee on our hands.`

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    Technical fault

    A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate.
    The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies.
    They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
    Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest.
    They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well.
    The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

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