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Thread: Husband Wife Jokes

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    Husband Wife Jokes

    How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
    They’re the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.


    What is a wedding tragedy?
    To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

    How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
    Buy her a diamond ring.

    How do most men define marriage?
    A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.

  2. #2
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    Some husbands can really get creative when they describe their wifes. Sanjana from Chennai has sent us these husband wife jokes. These are entries to a Washington post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

    In the middle of a dispute the husband said: 'Let's not quarrel, my dear, let's discuses the thing sensibly.' 'No,' said the angry wife, 'every time we discuss something sensibly, I lose!' ** My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you screwed up my life.

    ** I see your face, when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always, wake up screaming.

    ** Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything that you're not.

    ** Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

    ** I thought that I could love no other --
    that is until I met your brother.

    ** Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

    ** I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.

    ** I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

    ** My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

    ** My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe "Go to hell."

    ** What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime

    ** She: Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many divorces?

    He: Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the first place!

    ** Have you heard of the man who never worried about his marriage, until he moved from Delhi to Bombay and discovered that he still had the same milkman?

    ** An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. A pesimist is a married optimist.

    ** A husband is one who lays down the law for his wife and then accepts all her amendments.

    ** In married life, office plays a very imporant role. It's the place where you relax from your strenuos home life!

    ** Two ladies were discussing what they should wear to the club dance.

    "We're supposed to wear something to match our husband's hair. So I'm going to wear black," said Mrs. Johnson.

    "Goodness", gasped her companion. "I don't think I'll go. My husband is bald."

    ** Confirmed Bachelors know more about women than married men; that's why they are bachelors.

    ** "I love your daughter very dearly, sir," said the young man. "I would suffer deeply if I ever caused her a moment's unhapppiness."
    "You certainly would," replied the father. "That girl is her mother all over - and I should know!"

    ** After a few months of marriage Aparna's husband reported her Missing. Police found her, but she refused to come back.
    "We met while playing mixed doubles tennis," she said.
    "When we married we planned to have 2 boys and 2 girls, to form our own mixed doubles. Now my husband is bored with tennis and mad about football. There are 11 boys in a soccer team and I'm worried."

    ** Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
    Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

    ** Two friends, who hadn't seen each other in several years, met on the street.

    "Who are you working for now?" asked the first.

    "Same people," answered the other. "My wife and four children."

    ** A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day. Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.

    "Well, you see sir," he stammered, "my wife works, too -- and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner."

    ** A friend asked a lady: "I suppose you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
    "Yes, a strand of my husband's hair."
    "But your husband's still alive!"
    "Yes, but his hair's gone."

    ** First Soldier: "What made U go into the army?"
    Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
    First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace."

    ** They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense

    ** It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

    ** It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to protect a country
    BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ...... the KAAMWALI

    ** A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
    A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
    A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

    ** What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

    ** Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
    It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

    ** Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    ** Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??
    Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

    ** If your wife wants to learn to drive,
    don't stand in her way.

  3. #3
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    * Behind every great man,
    there is a surprised woman.

    * Some people kiss with both eyes closed. Too bad they marry the same way.

    * The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

    * A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

    * I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants Black Coffee.

    * Getting caught is the mother of Invention.

    * Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone.

    * The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.

    * Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay: We need your heads to run our business.

    * A traffic slogan: Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or else they will never be.

    * Sign in a restaurant: All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.

    * Sign on a famous beauty parlor window:
    Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother.

    My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. -Henny Youngman

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle

    I bought my wife a new car.
    She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
    I asked her, "Where's the car?"
    She replied,. In the lake." -Henny Youngman

    The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
    "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
    The husband replied,
    "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

    I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

    My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

    A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

    Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

    A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
    The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

    A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied,

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

    It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

    Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life Thinking they had no faults at all.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,. Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

    en who have pierced ears are better prepared formarriage.
    They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

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