A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America's troubles on lawyers when a woman said,

"They aren't all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000."

"I don't believe it," the host responded."It's true, I swear it," said the woman.

"I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer's fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000.

When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference."

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW,, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. when the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was coplaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
Officer, look what they've done to my beeeemer! he whined
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" resorted the officer. You're so worried about your stupid BMW you didnt even notice your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god!" screamed the lawyer, noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?!"

The lawyesr's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with hounours and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father office, and said, "Father, father, in one day i cracked the accident case that you have been working on for ten years!"
His father screamed: "You idiot! We could have lived on the funding of that case for another ten years!"

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.