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  1. #1

    pradeeppotter is offline
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    * A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

    * Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
    "And what do you deduce from that?"
    Watson ponders for a minute.
    "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
    Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

    * Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

     Top joke in UK

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

     Top joke in USA

    The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well-known humorist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
    ‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’

    Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel-chomping’ jokes.

    One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

    At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
    “Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

    However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

     Top joke in Canada

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

     Top joke in Australia

    This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?”
    The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

     Top joke in Belgium

    Why do ducks have webbed feet?
    To stamp out fires.
    Why do elephants have flat feet?
    To stamp out burning ducks.

     Top joke in Germany

    A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

     Top Joke in England

    Two weasels are sitting on a bar-stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."

     Top Joke in Wales

    A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

     Top Joke in Scotland

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

     Top Joke in Northern Ireland

    A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
    'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
    The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
    'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
    The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

  2. #2
    Member Array jojo_patty's Avatar
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    Haha, Nice ones

  3. #3
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    haha...good ones..
    some are repost..

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