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Thread: Two Old Pensioner

  1. #1

    pkatiyar is offline
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    Two Old Pensioner

    Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

    Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

    "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

    "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

    The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

    The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

    Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

    Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

    The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

    He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

    The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f****** fence wasn't electrified."

    Edited and underlined by Zara

  2. #2
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    Why ?

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

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    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

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    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

    The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

  3. #3
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    A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'

    The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

    Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

    The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

    The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

    The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'

    Free ClipartFree ClipartFree ClipartFree ClipartFree Clipart

    One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road "Why are doing that?" the lawyer asked.

    "I don't have any money for food"'the man replied.

    "Oh,then you must come with me"."But,Sir, I have a wife and five children."

    "They are all welcome".

    So the family got in the lawyer's car and he sped off towards his mansion. "you're so kind to help so many people"'the wife gushed during the journey.

    "It's fine". said the lawyer. "I haven't cut my grass in weeks".

  4. #4
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    Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.
    Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
    Banta Singh : Ok
    Interviewer : Made in India
    Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
    Interviewer : Keep it Up
    Banta Singh : Put it Down
    Interviewer : Maxi Mum
    Banta Singh : Mini Dad
    Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
    Banta Singh : Don't take my seat
    Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
    Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
    Interviewer : I say you get out!
    Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
    Interviewer : I reject you!
    Banta Singh : You Appoint me
    Interviewer: .......!!!!! !!

    Actual Warnings on Product Labels

    10. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
    9. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
    8. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
    7. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    5. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

    4. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
    3. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
    2. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
    1. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS

    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

    The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

    One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

  5. #5
    Senior Member Array sunnyajmal's Avatar
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    nice jokes...but parwiz u can post them by ur self yar...i mean u can start a new thread instead posting them all here...anyway thanks to both of you nice and funny

  6. #6
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    really nice

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