Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the ark hives.
Why do squirrels always 'live happily ever afterward'?
Because they have furry tail ends.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" asked baby bear.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" asked mother bear.
"Burp" said father bear.
Brian: (eating his lunch at school)Teacher, I've got a bone stuck in my throat.
Teacher: Are you choking?
Brian: No, I'm serious.
Mother: So what have you learned on your first day at high school?
Son: Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.
What do you get if you cross a palm tree with a frog?
What is green and sings in the garden?
What is the opposite of minimum?
Why did Cinderella get dropped from the football team?
She ran away from the ball.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Where does a horse go when he gets sick?
Where does a duck go when he gets sick?
What did one light bulb say to the other?
I'm going out tonight
The other day my dad leapt eight feet in the air. I said, 'Dad, I didn't know you were a high-jumper.'
He said, 'I'm not. Your mum dropped the iron on my foot.'
Hear about this guy who lived right next door to a sewer and killed himself?
The coroner said it was sewercide.
This bloke said to my brother, 'I think I'm a clock you know.'
My brother said, 'Well don't get wound up about it.'
This bloke said to my brother, 'My trouble is I keep thinking I'm a strawberry.'
My brother said, 'You're in a jam then aren't you.'
The man said, 'My problem is I keep stealing things.'
My brother said, 'You'd better take something for that.'
Did you hear about the Hungarian ghost?
He preferred ghoulash.
My brother's trousers were split right down the back. He said, 'Mum says they're my Van Winkle trousers.'
I said, 'What does she mean by that?'
He said, 'They've got a Rip in them.'
My uncle said to me, 'Lad, take my advice. Beware of the thing that is green, and has six legs, and will kill you if it jumps out of a tree on you.'
I said, 'Uncle, what is it?'
He said, 'A snooker table,'
'Did you hear about the cowboy who was hanged for wearing paper trousers?'
'No, why was that?'
'Because they were rustling.'
How do you make a piano laugh?
Tickle its ivories.
How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three - his left ear, his right ear, and the final frontier!
Teacher to pupils; One Of the most important documents in English history was the Magna Carta. Now, does anyone know where it was signed?
Pupil: At the bottom, Miss?
What is red and black, red and black, red and black?
A zebra with sunburn.
Why was the mother flea so upset when her children all left her?
She realized they were all going to the dogs.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.
How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him off the mountain.
What is Dracula's least favorite meal?