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Thread: wedding JOKES

  1. #1
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    wedding JOKES



    ****************
    Advice
    My wife was screaming at me:
    "Leave!! Get out of this house!"
    she ordered.


    As I was walking out the door she yelled,
    "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"


    So I turned around and asked
    "So now you want me to stay?"


    *****************************************


    A newly married man asked his wife,
    'Would you have married me if my father
    hadn't left me a fortune?'


    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly,
    'I'd have married you,
    NO MATTER WHO LEFT
    YOU A FORTUNE!'


    ********************************


    A wife asked her husband:
    'What do you like most in me,
    my pretty face or my sexy body?'


    He looked at her from head to toe and
    replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'


    *********************************


    I was explaining to my wife last night
    that when you die you get reincarnated but
    must come back as a different creature.
    She said she would like to come
    back as a cow. I said,
    "You obviously haven't been listening."


    ****************************


    Looks of Disappointment


    A man was just waking up from anaesthesia
    after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his
    side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
    'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.


    His wife had never heard him say that
    before, so she stayed by his side. A few
    minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
    said, 'You're cute..' The wife was
    disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it
    was now 'cute.'


    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'


    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


    **************************


    Donation


    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello,
    is this Father O'Malley?'


    'It is!'


    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'


    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'


    'I do!'


    'Is he a member of your congregation?'


    'He is!'


    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'


    'He will.'


    ***************************


    Senility


    An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
    'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several
    times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor.
    'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


    ******************************


    Marriage Humour


    Wife: 'What are you doing?'


    Husband: Nothing.


    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our
    marriage certificate for an hour.'


    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration
    date.'


    ********************************


    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'


    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'


    Wife: 'Yes or no.'


    ***************************


    Stress Reliever


    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share
    all your worries, troubles and lighten your
    burden.'


    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't
    have any worries or troubles.'


    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married
    yet.'
    ********************************************






     



  2. #2
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    A HUSBAND'S FUNERAL


    This woman goes into a funeral home
    to make arrangements for her husband's
    funeral. She tells the director that she
    wants her husband to be buried in a
    dark blue suit.


    He asks,
    "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
    in the black suit that he's wearing?"


    But she insists that it must be a blue suit
    and gives him a blank check to buy one.


    When she comes back for the funeral,
    she sees her husband in the coffin and
    he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
    She tells the funeral director how much
    she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.


    He says,
    "Actually, it didn't cost anything.
    The funniest thing happened. As soon as
    you left, another corpse was brought in,
    this one wearing a blue suit.
    I noticed that they were about the same size,
    and asked the other widow if she would
    mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.
    She said that was
    fine with her. So... I switched the heads"


    *******************************************


    A Pastor


    A Pastor goes to the dentist for
    a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after
    he gets his new teeth, he talks
    for only eight minutes.


    The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
    The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours
    and 48 minutes.


    The congregation had to mob him to
    get him down from the pulpit and they
    asked him what happened.


    The Pastor explains the first Sunday
    his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for
    more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday
    his gums hurt too much to talk for
    more than 10 minutes. But,
    the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth
    in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.


    **************************************


    A Husband Down


    A Husband and wife are shopping
    in their local Wal-Mart.
    the husband picks up a case of Budweiser
    and puts it in their cart.


    'What do you think you're doing?'
    asks the wife.


    'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,'
    he replies.


    'Put them back, we can't afford them,'
    demands the wife,
    and so they carry on shopping.




    A few aisles further on along the
    woman picks up a $20 jar
    of face cream and puts it in the basket.



    'What do you think you're doing?'
    asks the husband.


    'Its my face cream. It makes me look
    beautiful,' replies the wife.


    Her husband retorts:
    'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and
    it's half the price.'


    ************************************************** *




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    A Husband's Trust


    There comes a time when a woman
    just has to trust her husband...
    for example...
    A wife comes home late at night and
    quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
    From under the blanket she sees four
    legs instead of two. She reaches for a
    baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket
    as hard as she can. Until she is
    totally exhausted. Once she's done, she
    goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
    As she enters, she sees her husband there,
    reading a magazine.
    "Hi Darling", he says,
    "Your parents have come to visit us,
    so I let them stay in our bedroom.
    Did you say ‘hello’?”
    **************************************************


    Adoption Suitability...


    A husband and wife who work for
    the circus go to an adoption agency.
    Social workers there raise doubts
    about their suitability..




    The couple produces photos of their
    50-foot motor home, which is clean and
    well maintained and equipped with
    a beautiful nursery.


    The social workers raise concerns about
    the education a child would receive
    while in the couple's care.
    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will
    teach the child all the usual subjects
    along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."


    Then the social workers express concern
    about a child being raised in a
    circus environment.


    "Our nanny is a certified expert in
    pediatric care, welfare, and diet."


    The social workers are finally satisfied. .


    Then they ask,
    "What age child are you hoping to adopt?".


    "It doesn't really matter, as long as
    the kid fits in the cannon!"
    ************************************************




    A Lot of Room In There


    When Mary was pregnant,
    her five year old, Billy, was utterly
    amazed and a little bit disbelieving that
    his sister was growing in his mom's tummy.
    So one day when the baby was especially
    active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands
    on her tummy to feel the baby kick.


    But when he did, the baby was suddenly still.
    "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to
    take a nap," shrugged his mother.


    "A nap?" Billy marveled.
    "You mean there's a bed in there too?”


    **********************************************
    Barbie


    A man walks into the toy store to get
    a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he
    asks the assistant, as you would,
    "How much is Barbie?"


    "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes
    to the Gym for $19.95,
    Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
    Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
    Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95,
    Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95,
    and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."


    "Hey, hang on," the guy asks,
    "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00
    when all the others are only $19.95?"


    "Yeah, well, it's like this ...
    Divorced Barbie comes with
    Ken's house,
    Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."
    *********************************************


    Maybe It Was Ate


    Little Johnny was in his first grammar
    class when the teacher asked him
    if he could give a simple sentence.


    Little Johnny grinned real big and said,
    " I eat six eggs for breakfast."


    His teacher replied, "You mean ate?"


    Little Johnny thought for a bit.
    then said, "Maybe it was eight eggs I eat."


    ***********************************


  4. #4
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    Cynical Meanings


    * Divorce:
    Future tense of marriage.


    * Lecture:
    An art of transferring information
    from the notes of the Lecturer to the
    notes of the students without
    passing through" the minds of either."


    * Conference:
    The confusion of one man
    multiplied by the number present.


    * Compromise:
    The art of dividing a cake in such a
    way that everybody believes he
    got the biggest piece.


    * Tears:
    The hydraulic force by which
    masculine will-power is defeated
    by feminine water power.


    * Dictionary:
    A place where success comes before work.


    * Conference Room:
    A place where everybody talks,
    nobody listens and everybody
    disagrees later on.


    * Classic:
    A book which people praise,
    but do not read.


    * Smile:
    A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


    * Office:
    A place where you can relax after
    your strenuous home life.


    * Yawn:
    The only time some married men
    ever get to open their mouth.


    ******************************************
    South Carolina
    A man in South Carolina had a flat tire,
    pulled off on the side of the road,
    and proceeded to put a bouquet of
    flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
    Then he got back in the car to wait.
    A passerby studied the scene as he
    drove by, and was so curious he turned
    around and went back.
    He asked the fellow what the problem was.
    The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
    The passerby asked,
    "But what's with the flowers?"
    The man responded,
    "When you break down they tell
    you to put flares in the
    front and flares in the back....!


    *************************************************
    Texas
    The Sheriff pulled up next to the
    guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up
    into the ditch.
    The Sheriff asked,
    "Why are you dumping garbage in the
    ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
    "Yep," he replied.
    "That's why I'm dumpin' it here,
    'cause it says:
    'Fine..... For Dumping Garbage.' "



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