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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad.
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough
to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness ....
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen,
I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of
the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door