7 kinds of people you run into at Pakistani weddings
By Humay Waseem Published: July 6, 2014
The planner is either the parent, brother, sister or cousin of the ones to be wed and is in a constant state of panic.
Weddings are festive and fun occasions. They are probably the only events in the country where both sexes get a chance to mingle and dance together without someone giving judgemental stares and uttering the words ‘haw haye’.
Depending on how close or how you’re related to the bride or groom, these festivities can range from being highly fun to chaotic to downright boring. But at every wedding, you are bound to come across different and “special” types of wedding guests.
1) The enthusiast
This is the person who is even more excited about the wedding than the bride and groom. He or she seem as if they had been planning their whole life around this wedding. You can spot them at weddings instantly because they love being the centre of attention. They choreograph dances, colour-coordinate their kurtas, socks and dupattas. They make sure they get the most photos taken and have an air of dominance about them that screams “I am better than you”. You would become an archenemy if they found you stealing their lime light.
2) The planner
The planner is either the parent, brother, sister or cousin of the ones to be wed and is in a constant state of panic. He or she orders waiters, greets guests, clears out little kids, commands the photographer, checks up on the food arrangements, all the while sweating and looking like a mess. They are not there to enjoy the wedding but to make sure that everything goes pitch perfect. These guys deserve an honorary medal unless they’re being paid to do the job.
3) The apathetic
This person was dragged by their mother to come to the wedding. He or she sits in a corner or in the middle of the crowd with indifferent eyes, oblivious to whose wedding it is. You will usually find them playing with their phone, texting or Facebooking, in order to escape from the sheer tedium that has been brought upon them because of this wedding.
4) Ecstatic kids
The most annoying thing about weddings is the little children flocking around jumping up and down on the stage. They’re constantly stomping over people’s feet, breaking vases, hiding under tables, licking cream off of desserts, tangling themselves in wires, taking a drag ride on the brides dress, crying, shouting and screaming in an ecstatic trance. However, there are exceptions to the rule as always; cute kids sitting quietly and nicely in their mommy’s laps – I think we need more of those. They are still acceptable and bearable.
5) The jealous friends
Ok, so now that the bride is married, the guy turns out to be a real catch and the wedding is something out of a story book, some jealous friends are overcome by the green-eyed monster. They are secretly sulking, being reminded of their own singleness, worrying about their future and thinking about their prospects (or lack thereof) all the while wondering how much the bride’s dress costs. They will pass bitter remarks, roll their eyes and sometimes even hide their envy under a fake smile – the hiding doesn’t last very long.
6) The gawker
No one knows who this is but it is generally a man whose eyes are fixated upon every woman at the wedding. He attends the wedding with the sole motivation of staring at women. He could be married and even have kids but that will not stop him from his unapologetic gawking. Women feel discomforted by the glares of this persons irritating perversion and sometimes, the gawker is even beaten on thrown out of the wedding.
7) The foodie
These types only attend the event for the food. Their eyes are constantly locked on the food table and on waiters trying to gauge when the food will be served. The foodie hypnotically fantasises about qorma, tikkay, seekh kabab and naan whilst the fat aunt of the bride chatters about the larkay waala’s zameens in Gujjar Khan. And when the food does not meet the foodie’s expectations, he or she consider the wedding a total waste of their time. Sometimes, the relatives can be witnessed stuffing food in their bags for a late night snack! Yes – that happens.
These are the different types of ‘special’ wedding guests I have personally encountered, but I am sure the list goes on. Go right ahead and add your personal favourites too.