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Thread: Police Jokes

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    Police Jokes

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    The Cop Stop

    A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
    After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
    The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
    The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

    Southern Justice

    A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding. When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'.
    The trooper takes out his machined aluminum flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'.
    The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'.
    The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'.
    He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight.
    The kid says 'What was that for, sir?'
    The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish.
    Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend, "I wish he'd have hit me with that flashlight", so I fulfilled your wish.'


    A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

    Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You

    10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
    9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
    8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
    7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
    6. He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
    5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
    4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
    3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
    2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
    1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

    The Field Trip

    Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
    One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
    "Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
    So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"


    A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
    But it also lit up her arm, too!
    Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
    A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
    When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

    Can You Spell That Ma'am

    A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
    She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
    As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

    Two Truckers

    While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."
    They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."
    "What do you think?" one asked the other.
    The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

    A Little Late For Work

    For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation.
    All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."
    And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

    Blonde Calls 911

    A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.
    However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."


    One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
    When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.

    Pull Over!

    A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
    "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

    A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
    He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
    She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
    She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

    New Recruit

    Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
    New Recruit: Call for backup!

    Another Drunk Driver

    There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.
    "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.
    "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."


    At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.

    American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."
    Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."

    More LA Cops

    How does an LA policeman go fishing?

    He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.

    Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
    When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
    The man groaned but didn't budge.
    The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
    Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
    Finally, they summoned the police.
    The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
    "Sam," the man moaned.
    "Where ya from, Sam?"
    With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

    Little Johnny

    Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
    The policeman said, "What's he like?"
    Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

    Q: Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died?
    A: 10. Five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.

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    Moderator Array mahima's Avatar
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    Sherlock Holmes and The Camping Trip

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
    "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
    "What does that tell you?"
    Watson pondered for a minute.
    "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

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    The Kid

    The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
    "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
    The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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    Minimal Damage

    This guy calls his wife at work and says, "Don't worry, I'm fine and the damage is minimal."
    She says, "Oh my gosh, what happened?"
    He says, "I was coming back from lunch and a bird hit my car windshield."
    "How much damage did it do?" she asked.
    "Minimal, however I did get a ticket."
    "A ticket how did you get that?"
    "Well, I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket."
    "What for?" she asked, "Damaging his windshield?"
    "No, for flipping him the bird!"

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    A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.
    The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"
    The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

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    Another Groaner Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.
    One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.
    The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

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