HowTo Cook A Human

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not over cook her”
~ Oscar Wilde on How To Cook A Human

If you ever get tired of eating a traditional turkey dinner during Thanksgiving or boring old ham during Easter, maybe you should consider the other other white meat. It has been a long-standing tradition throughout the centuries to chow down on the slow simmered remains of our fallen enemies, but this culinary art form received little recognition in western culture. Like the tomato, which was once thought to be poisonous, human flesh is actually a very healthy alternative to the hormone-injected meat you find at your local supermarket, and eating a person is not a soul crushing sin like some conservative religions want you to believe. The fact is that human flesh is both flavorful and full of the essential nutrition our bodies need.

This article is not to be confused with instructions on how to Cook FOR A Human, how to Cook ForTY Humans, how to Cook FOR Forty Humans, or how to Cook For Forty Humans AND THEN EAT THEM. While slowly rubbing off the dust from a book only to find different titles for the same book is comical, it will not help you with your ultimate goal of preparing the best Human possible in the 60 minutes allotted during a standard iron chef competition.