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    jokes and jokes

    morons Jokes
    Why do morons like lightning?
    They think someone is taking their picture.


    Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
    Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

    How did the moron try to kill a fish?
    He tried to drown it in the sea.

    What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
    Pull the pin and throw it back at him .

    How did the moron fall on the floor?
    He tripped over the cordless phone.

    Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?
    To see what was on the other side!

    How did the moron try to kill a bird?
    He threw it off a mountain cliff !

    How do you confuse a moron?
    Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

    Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
    Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".

    How do you keep a moron in suspense?
    I'll tell you tomorrow! (hehehehe)


    Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
    It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

    Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
    The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"
    and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
    They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

    Why can't a moron dial 911?
    They can't find the 11 on the phone!





    Cross the road jokes !


    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Don't ask us, ask the chicken!

    Why did the sheep cross the road?
    To get to the Baa Baa Shop for a haircut.

    Why did the cow cross the road?
    To get to the udder side.

    Why did the fish cross the river?
    To get to its school

    Why did the fish cross the sea?
    To get to the other tide!

    Why did the one-handed skeleton cross the road?
    To get to the second-hand shop!


    Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
    Because he had no body to go with.

    Why did the horse cross the road?
    To reach his Nay-borhood.

    Why did the rooster cross the road?
    To prove he wasn't a chicken.

    Why did the turtle cross the road?
    To get to the Shell Station.

    Why did the dog cross the road?
    To get to the barking lot.


    Why did the chicken stop crossing the road ?
    It got tired of everyone making so many jokes !!!.
    FUNNY DIALOGUES
    Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
    Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
    Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
    Psychiatrist: Next please!
    Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
    Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
    Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn't you pray for Uncle John too?
    Daughter: I didn't want to ask for too much.
    Parent: I'd like a day without punishing you.
    Little Mishief: You have my full permission!
    Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week.
    Captain: My, weren't you afraid that you'd fall off?
    Student: Could I get in trouble if I didn't do something?
    Teacher: Well, I don't suppose so.
    Student: In that case, I didn't do my homework.
    Jim: What's white, steep, and has ears?
    Tara: I don't know.
    Jim: A snow-covered mountain.
    Tara: What about the ears?
    Jim: Haven't you ever heard of mountaineers?
    Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
    Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
    Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
    Camper: There was in this one!
    Student: Teacher, how can I look up a word to spell in the dictionary
    if I don't know how to spell the word in the first place?
    Teacher: Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater? You don't need to heat hot water!
    Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
    Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me.
    Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
    Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
    Patient: What problem?
    Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
    Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
    Ben: It has no steps!
    Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
    Mailman 2: Did you put anything on it?
    Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain.
    Teacher: Joey, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.
    Joey: Ok, "If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on."
    Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
    Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"
    Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
    Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
    Teacher: What do letters B.C. mean?
    Pupil: Before Calculators.
    Jake: I got an anonymous letter.
    John: From whom?
    Lenny: May I hold your hand?
    Jenny: No, it is not that heavy.
    Don: I didn't know our school was haunted.
    Ron: Neither did I. How did you find out?
    Don: Everybody's been talking about our school spirit.
    Brent: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
    Trent: How tall are you?
    Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't go near them!
    Clerk: Well, isn't that good for mice?
    Customer: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy.
    Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye.
    Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
    Joel: My left hand.
    Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil!
    Jack: Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
    Jill: No, how'd you know?
    Jack: It is all over town!
    Pam: Is it okay to eat hotdogs with hands?
    Sam: No, hotdogs don't have hands!
    Joe: I was built backwards.
    Mary: How?
    Joe: My nose runs, and my feet smell!
    Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
    Student: What does it do?
    Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
    Student: What is it called?
    Mad Professor: It's called a window!
    Bobby: I've owned this car for 15 years and never had a wreck.
    Prospective buyer: You mean you've owned this wreck for 15 years and never had a car.
    Mary: Did you know they're not making pencils any longer?
    Sue: Wow! Why not?
    Mary: They're already long enough!
    Michael: I was on tv today.
    Jeremy: You're kidding! How long were you on?
    Michael: Not very much. When my mom saw me she just told me to get off.
    Sarah: Why were you late for your plane?
    Jan: I had to say goodbye to my pets.
    Sarah: But you were 2 hours late!
    Jan: I have an ant farm!
    George: Look, I just found a lost baseball.
    Louis: How do you know it's lost?
    George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!
    Mom: What are you doing?
    Bob: Washing myself, of course.
    Mom: Without soap and water?
    Bob: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning.
    Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
    Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.
    Teacher: Chubb, who invented the airplane that did not fly?
    Chubb: The Wrong Brothers.











    Brain Teaser

    Read this sentence:
    FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
    Now count aloud the ' F' s in that sentence.

    Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again.
    Then see below..
    . Answer below (scroll down) ...


    ANSWER:

    There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds
    three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you
    got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six,
    you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The
    human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".






    RIDDLES BRAIN TEASERS
    1) If it takes twenty minutes to hard-boil one goose egg, how long will it take to hard-boil four goose eggs? e
    20 minutes, 4 eggs can be boiled at the same time.
    2) Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
    ....Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

    3) Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
    .....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
    4) Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
    ....No. He must be dead if it is his widow.

    5) Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
    What do you get?
    ..... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 6.

    6) A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
    an hour. How long will the pills last?
    ......One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
    1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour
    has passed.

    7) A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are
    left?
    ..... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.

    How many animals of each species did Moses have on the ark?
    ...... None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.

    9) A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?
    ..... Meat ... that is self-explanatory.



    MORE BRAIN TEASERS


    1) A big fat Indian and a small thin Indian were sitting outside a teepee, each smoking a pipe. The little Indian was the son of the big Indian, but the big Indian was not the little Indian's father. How come?

    {Solution}

    The big Indian was the little Indian's mother.


    2) Mary's husband's father-in-law is Mary's husband's brother's brother-in-law, and Mary's sister-in-law is Mary's brother's stepmother. How did this happen?

    {Solution}
    Mary's father married the sister of Mary's husband.

    3) Over the side of a boat floating in a harbor there hangs a rope ladder containing ten rungs. Each rung is one foot from the next one and the bottom rung is resting on the surface of the water. The tide rises at a rate of one foot an hour. How long will it take the water to reach the top rung?

    {Solution}

    It will never reach the top rung because the boat will rise with the tide.
    4) A sparrow has fallen into a hole in a rock. The hole measures three inches in diameter and is three feet deep. Due to the depth of the hole, the sparrow cannot be reached by hand. We cannot use sticks or canes, because we could hurt the bird. How can you get the bird out?

    {Solution}

    By gradually pouring sand into the hole. The bird will keep moving so that it is not buried in the sand, forcing it higher until it comes out.
    5) Timothy and Urban play a game with two dice. But they do not use the numbers. Some of the faces are painted red and the others blue.
    Each player throws the dice in turn. Timothy wins when the two top faces are the same color. Urban wins when the colors are different. Their chances are even.
    The first die has 5 red faces and 1 blue face. How many red and how many blue are there on the second die?

    {Solution}

    Each die has 6 faces. When two dice are thrown, there are 36 equally possible results. For chances to be even, there must be 18 ways of getting the same color on top. Let X be the number of red faces on the second die. We have: 18 = 5X + 1(6 - X)
    X = 3
    The second die must have 3 red faces and 3 blue faces.


    A ribbon is 30 inches long. If you cut it with a pair of scissors into one-inch pieces, how many snips would it take?

    {Solution}

    Twenty-nine snips. The last two inches are divided by one snip.



    A Ferrari is traveling at 30 miles per hour on a head-on collision course with a Maserati, which is being driven at a leisurely 20 miles per hour. When the two cars are exactly 50 miles apart, a very fast fly leaves the front fender of the Ferrari and travels towards the Maserati at 100 miles per hour. When it reaches the Maserati, it instantly reverses direction and flies back to the Ferrari and continues winging back and forth between the rapidly approaching cars. At the moment the two cars collide, what is the total distance the fly has covered?
    {Solution}
    At first glance it may seem that a horrendous calculation is necessary to solve this: the sum of an infinite series of numbers that get smaller and smaller as the cars approach each other. But if you focus on time rather than distance, a solution is easy. The cars are 50 miles apart and traveling towards each other at a combined speed of 50 miles per hour, so they will meet in one hour. In that hour, a fly that flies at 100 miles per hour will naturally travel 100 miles.
    funny proverbs


    Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
    I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
    I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
    If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
    The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door..
    Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
    There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
    Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage
    A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
    If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
    Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
    We the willing, following the unknowing are doing the impossible. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now able to do anything with nothing.
    Half of the people in the world are below average.
    To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
    When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!
    Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
    The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
    It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
    A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on
    Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
    I can resist everything except temptation.
    It's a great satisfaction knowing that for a brief point in time you made a difference.
    The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.
    A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
    Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
    If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
    Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
    There are three faithful friends an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
    Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
    The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
    Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.
    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.
    Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.
    Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
    hort funny quotes

    Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
    Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
    Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
    I don't pray because I don't want to bore God. - Orson Welles
    When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!
    The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time. - Willem de Kooning
    Never judge a book by its movie. - JW Eagan
    It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
    Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
    Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
    You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent
    God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
    Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
    The shortest distance between two points is under construction... - Noelie Altito
    I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids. - Johathan Raban
    The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. - Horace Walpole
    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown
    A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
    An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away. - Cassandra Chatfield
    Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.
    SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.
    Men don't care what's on TV.
    They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld
    Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
    I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields
    Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.
    Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously. - Cincinnati Enquirer
    The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein
    Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -
    Samuel Goldwyn
    If you think you're really influential - try ordering another man's dog.
    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
    Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus
    Life is like a role of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment. - Rudyh


    hilarious quotes


    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henry Youngman
    Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were. - George E. Bergman
    Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. - Murphy's Law
    The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
    An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
    Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. - Winston Churchill
    If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
    For fast acting relief, try s-l-o-w-i-n-g d-o-w-n. - Lily Tomlin
    Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. - Murphy's Law
    It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
    A man who envies our family is a man who needs help. - Yeardley Smith
    If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
    A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
    Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
    You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. - Murphy's Law
    I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter
    The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
    Do stairs go up or down?
    He who laughs, lasts. - Mary Poole
    If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
    I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness. - - Alicia Silverstone, Actress
    You guys line up alphabetically by height. - A sports coach
    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. - Dennis Miller
    I'd do it for the right amount of money - a couple of billion. - Donald Trump
    The internet is a great way to get on the net. - Bob Dole
    He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
    Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen
    If sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
    There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later. - Douglas Adams
    The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them. - Karl Kraus







    funny movie quotes


    All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. - Steve Martin, Bilko
    Old age. It's the only disease, Mr. Thompson, that you don't look forward to being cured of. - Bernstein (Everett Sloane), Citizen Kane
    Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please, start talking at the sound of the beep. - Harris K. Telemacher, L A Story
    Don't make my mistake, kid. Don't follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself. - Barbatus, Antz
    Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. -- Bill Murray, What about Bob
    If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer. - jim Carrey, Ace Ventura
    Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes. - Woodey Allen, Sleeper
    It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is you turn them into poor people. - Eddie Murphy, Trading Places
    The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder. - Alfred Hitchcock
    The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need! My name in print! That really makes somebody! Things are going to start happening to me now. - Steve Martin, The Jerk
    USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. - David Letterman
    All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband. - Marie, When Harry Met Sally
    Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night. - Jim Carrey, The Trueman Show
    You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. - Groucho, Duck Soup
    You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater. - Mike Myers, Austin Powers: Goldmember
    Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people! - Steve Martin, The Man with Two Brains
    You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha! - Eddie Murphy, Shrek
    Charlie: I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.
    Irene: What's it called?
    Charlie: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. - A dialogue from Me, Myself and Irene
    And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be *in* your shoes at this particular time and place. - Steve Martin, Roxanne






    amusing quotes

    My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton. - Chic Murray
    Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. - Brendan Gill
    I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. - Dan Quayle
    Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who decided to stand their ground.
    The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. - Casey Stengal
    If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Dan Quayle
    A diplomat is a man who says you have an open mind, instead of telling you that you have a hole in the head.
    Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
    Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein
    Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde
    If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius. - Larry Leissner
    Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben
    When we got into office, the thing that surprised
    me most was that things were as bad as we'd been
    saying they were. - John F. Kennedy
    Do what's right. Do it right. Do it right now. - Barry Forbes
    Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. - Bill Cosby
    I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield
    We're going to move left and right at the same time. - Jerry Brown, Governor of California
    When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter O'Toole
    Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?" - Tom Stoppard
    Sometimes I go off into my own little world... But that's okay; they know me there
    A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. - Winston Churchil
    They say that behind every successful man stands a woman. Could it be that in front of that woman, stands a man who keeps getting in her way?
    God heals and the doctor takes the fee. - Benjamin Franklin
    A celebrity is a person who works hard to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised - Fred Allen
    Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. - George Burns

    .



    funny short sayings

    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
    Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
    Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. - Erica Jong
    Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
    Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
    It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.
    - Rene Descartes
    Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. - Benjamin Franklin
    Thank God I'm an atheist
    We always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire. - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
    There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
    Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis
    A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices. - Edward R. Murrow
    A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio
    A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.
    Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
    Being young is a fault that diminishes daily.
    To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen
    What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? - Ursula K. LeGuin
    If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. - Ogden Nash
    An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. - Laurence J. Peter
    If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em....
    I can give you a definite perhaps. - Samuel Goldwyn
    Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop....
    He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde
    Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
    The less we know, the longer the explanation.
    He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
    The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons
    If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. - John Gotti





    hilarious jokes


    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
    Knock Knock! Who's there? Atch! Atch who? I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!
    "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
    "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

    This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! ... Now read without the word cat.
    A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

    ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
    GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

    .




    short funny quotes

    Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
    Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
    Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
    I don't pray because I don't want to bore God. - Orson Welles
    When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!
    The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time. - Willem de Kooning
    Never judge a book by its movie. - JW Eagan
    It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
    Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
    Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
    You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
    Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent
    God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
    Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
    The shortest distance between two points is under construction... - Noelie Altito
    I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids. - Johathan Raban
    The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. - Horace Walpole
    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown
    A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
    An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away. - Cassandra Chatfield
    Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.
    SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.
    Men don't care what's on TV.
    They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld
    Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson
    I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields
    Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.
    Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously. - Cincinnati Enquirer
    The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein
    Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -
    Samuel Goldwyn
    If you think you're really influential - try ordering another man's dog.
    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
    Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus
    Life is like a role of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment. - Rudyh



    Aunty's letter
    Dear Sanju baba,
    I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
    This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.
    About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
    Bablu locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
    Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
    Uncle Rakesh fell into a swimming pool last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bablu was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. I am now closing this letter and will share more good news with you again next time.
    Your Favorite Aunt,

    P.S...If this letter does not reach you, please let me know, I will send u another.
    Reasons Why The English Language
    Is Hard To Learn

    We must polish the Polish furniture.
    He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
    When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    I did not object to the object.
    The bandage was wound around the wound.
    The farm was used to produce produce.
    The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    They were too close to the door to close it.
    The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    After a number of injections my jaw got number.
    Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    ISN'T ENGLISH A FUNNY LANGUAGE ?
    There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple...
    Is cheese the plural of choose?
    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
    In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
    Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
    Have noses that run and feet that smell?
    Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
    Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
    And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
    If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
    One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
    One index, two indices?
    How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
    When a house burns up, it burns down.
    You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
    When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
    And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
    .English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
    How can 'slim chance and a fat chance' be the same, while ' wise man and a wise guy' are opposites?

    Now i know why i failed in english.
    It's not my fault but the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going

    Submitted By Pena Kunde



    A humor Essay from the U P S C exams!

    This is the FUNNY essay on "The Cow" which was (supposedly) written by some student in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Services Examination" :


    CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:
    The Cow:

    "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child. He is same likeGod,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together.Two are forward and two are afterwards.

    "His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

    "His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species.Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

    "His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

    "He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side.This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

    The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed.At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

    "This is the cow."

    P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam

    You are addicted to the internet when......

    You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
    All of your friends have an @ in their names.
    And even your night dreams are in HTML
    You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
    When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    Your dog has its own home page.
    You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
    You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    Your phone bill makes your dad go crazy.
    You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    Your mom makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
    You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
    You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
    Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
    Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
    Your mother says communication is important in a family...so you ask her for another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    As you forget to do your homework, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster \par connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem..etc
    You step out of your room and realize that you have guests at home and you don't have a clue when they came in. You just love to waste your precious time in checking Nidokidos emails

    U S E L E S S
    INVENTIONS
    MADE BY MAN & WOMEN

    1. Non stick Cellotape - it exists !!!!!
    2. Solar Powered Flash Light
    3. A black highlighter pen
    4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
    5. Inflatable Anchor
    6. Smooth Sandpaper
    7. Waterproof sponge
    8. Waterproof Teabags
    9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
    10. Fireproof Matches
    11. Fireproof Cigarettes
    12. Battery powered Battery Charger
    13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
    14. Hand powered Chainsaw
    15. Inflatable Dartboard
    16. Silent Alarm Clock
    17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
    18. Braille Drivers Manual
    19. Double sided playing cards
    20. Ejector seats for Helicopters
    and these too......?
    Screen window for a submarine
    Helicopter with an injection seat
    Inflatable dart board
    A tape on how to put together a vcr
    The water proof tea bag
    Water proof towel
    A book on how to read
    A dictionary index
    Powdered water
    Pedal-powered wheel chair



    Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery

    - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
    - Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !
    - Oh no! I just lost my watch.
    - "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
    - Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
    - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
    - Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
    - There go the lights again...
    - Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
    - Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    - Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
    - What's this doing here?
    - I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
    - That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
    - Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
    -You sure it wasn't this leg?
    - OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
    - Are his relatives waiting outside?
    - Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
    - Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
    - What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
    - FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
    - This scissor looks rusted.
    - Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
    - Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
    - Now from where did this spider come in from.

    Problems when using WIFE 1.0



    To: TechNICAL Support

    Dear Sir,
    Last year I upgraded my system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began creating problems within the system processing and that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
    Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
    Applications such as Poker Night 2.3, Girlfriend 3.2 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the entire system whenever selected
    I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running my other favorite applications. Whichever module or software I enter, only Wife 1.0 seems to run and nothing else.
    I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall from Wife 1.0 to Girlfriend 7.0 does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

    Thanks,
    Rajeev

    Reply
    To: Rajeev

    Dear Rajeev,

    This is a very common problem men users of the Wife 1.0 software complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception of the software.
    Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
    Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
    Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed !!
    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Worries Invited For Ever (Wife 1.0)".
    I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding general partnership faults (GPFs).
    You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action to solve this major IT problem of yours will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
    In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
    Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend you to install the latest gift software like Flowers 2.1, Necklaces 3.2, and Chocolates 5.0.
    note: Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary With Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application; in fact it is a deadly virus for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

    regards,
    Amit.

    Tips for
    W o r k i n g Hard


    1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
    People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
    People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.
    Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

    2. Use computers to look busy.
    Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
    When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

    3. Messy desk.
    Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
    To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.
    Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

    4. Voice Mail.
    Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
    If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
    5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.
    One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

    6. Appear to Work Late.
    Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving.

    7. Creative Sighing for Effect.
    Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

    8. Stacking Strategy.
    It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

    9. Build Vocabulary.
    Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.
    Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

    10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!







    MOVIES NAMES - HUMOR
    BY COMPUTER EXPERTS !!

    Har Dil Jo CHAT Karega
    Kaho na virus hai
    Hum aap ke CUBICLE mein rahate hai

    Hamara RESUME aap ke haath mein hai

    JAVA wale OFFER le jayenge

    Hum WALK-IN ja chuke sanam

    Dhai akshar HRD ke

    Jis Desh mein DOLLARS rahata Hain

    Hum To US jaayega

    Tera OFFER mil gaya

    Sapne DOLLARS ke

    PM ne phir yaada dilaya

    Aa ab KUCH KAAM kare

    RESUME se OFFER LETTER tak

    Raju ban gaya IT MAN..!

    JAVA wale ASP wale

    US to jana hi tha

    PACKAGE ho to aisa

    COMPANY No.1

    Dekhte dekhte SHARES mil Gaya

    PLATFORM apna apna

    Yeh H1 kab aayegi

    PM ek numbari PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari

    Ek tha VACANCY

    Mera Naam BODYSHOPPER

    THOUGHTS ON KIDS BY SOME MOTHERS !
    ... TO BE READ IN A HUMOROUS MOOD!

    Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

    Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
    word for word what you shouldn't have said.

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
    them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
    telling them to sit down and shut-up.

    Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

    I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
    do you want?

    Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
    despite every effort to teach them good manners.

    Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
    shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.

    "There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
    mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.

    Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
    remember your presence.

    The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
    yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

    Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

    "Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

    You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
    the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.

    A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
    you've purchased new school clothes.

    Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
    has never tried it.

    The best inheritance parents can give their children is
    a few minutes of their time each day.


    QUIZ IS FUN !
    Take the Online Quiz now !
    I. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
    II. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it take before all the pills had been taken?
    III. I went to bed at eight O' clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine O'clock in the morning. How many hours of sleep would I get before being awakened by the alarm?
    IV. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
    V. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
    VI. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil lamp ,an oil heater and a candle, which would you light first?
    VII. A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?
    VIII. How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
    Quiz Answers:
    I. All of them
    II. 1 hour
    III. 1 hour
    IV. 70
    V. 9
    VI. The match
    VII. White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
    VIII. None. It was Noah, not Moses




    Fun Quiz , Trivia Quiz ...tricky ones !
    Q: If a plane crashed on the border of England and Scotland, where would they bury the survivors?
    A: you don't bury survivors

    Q: Twelve pears hanging high, twelve men passing by, each took a pear and left eleven hanging there. How can this be? How can eleven pears be left?
    A: 'Each' is a mans name!

    Q: If there's a frog, dead in the centre of a lilypad which is right in the middle of the pond, which side would it jump to?
    A: neither, the frog is dead!

    Q: You're a bus driver. At the first stop 4 people get on. At the second stop 8 people on, at the third stop 2 people get off and, at the forth stop everyone got off. The question is what color are the bus drivers eyes?
    A: The same as yours, you're the bus driver.

    Q: What never gets any wetter, no matter how much it rains?
    A: The sea!

    Q: A man went outside in the pouring rain with no protection, but not a hair on his head got wet...how come?
    A: He was bald.

    Q: David's father has three sons : Snap, Crackle and _____ ?
    A: David

    Q: What has a mouth but doesn't eat, a bank with no money, a bed but doesn't sleep, and waves but has no hands?
    A: a river.

    Q: A cowboy rode to an inn on Friday. He stayed two nights and left on Friday. How could that be?
    A: His horse was called Friday.

    Q: If the red house is on the right side and if the blue house is on the left side where's the white house?
    A: Washington DC










    Funny Stuff
    clean funny stuff for kids adults, idiot test, kids crazy stuff
    WARNING: This PAGE contains ONLY CLEAN funny stuff & crazy stuff.


    Idiot Test (since you failed the earlier one ! )
    1. Is there a fourth of July in England?

    2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

    3. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?

    4. How many outs are there in an inning?

    5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?

    6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

    7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

    8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

    9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

    10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

    11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?

    12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
    13. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

    14. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

    15. Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it: Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

    16. Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

    Idiot Test Answers

    1. Is there a fourth of July in Japan?
    Yes, it comes after the third of July!

    2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
    Just one! Mine is May 9.

    3. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?
    12 - all of them

    4. How many outs are there in an inning?
    6 - three per side

    5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
    No because he is dead!

    6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
    70 (30 divided by 2 equals 15, but 30 divided by 1/2 equals 60)

    7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
    2, you took them, remember?

    8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
    60 minutes, start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

    9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
    9 are still alive.

    10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
    0, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!

    11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
    Meat, a butcher weighs meat!!!

    12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
    There are 12.
    13. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
    If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

    14. If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
    How can you overtake the LAST person? You must be the last person and you can't owertake yourself.
    15. Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it: Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
    Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
    16. Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
    The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.


    Words of Wisdom From Children

    Never trust a dog to watch your food.
    When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
    Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
    Stay away from prunes.
    Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
    Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
    Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
    You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
    Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
    Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
    Never try to baptize a cat.


    Homework Policy
    Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:
    Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:
    15 minutes looking for assignment.
    11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
    23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
    8 minutes in the bathroom.
    10 minutes getting a snack.
    7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
    6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
    10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.


    It's always darkest before................Daylight SavingsTime.
    Never underestimate the power of..........termites.
    You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
    Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty.
    No news is................................impossible.
    A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
    You can't teach an old dog new............math.
    Love all, trust...........................me.
    The pen is mightier than the..............pigs.
    An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.
    Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
    Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
    A penny saved is..........................not much.
    Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers.
    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,cry and.......................you have to blow your nose.
    Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.
    If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.
    You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box.
    When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way.


    Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
    How do cannibals know when to leave the table? After everyone's eaten, of course.
    A little girl cannibal was expelled from school for BUTTERING UP the teacher.
    What did the little boy cannibal get when he was late for dinner? A cold shoulder.
    You know when you eat at a cannibal's restaurant? It could cost you an arm and a leg.










































    STUPID'S EXAM PAPER
    [This one's little difficult than last year's]
    1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric
    digits or "_" allowed)

    2. Sex?
    ( ) Male
    ( ) Female
    ( ) Don't know.

    3. What's your age group?
    ( ) less than 0
    ( ) equal to 0
    ( ) greater than 0

    4. What is 2 + 2=?
    ( ) FOUR
    ( ) 4
    ( ) IV

    5. If you have one brother, how many brothers
    does your brother have?
    ( ) none
    ( ) one
    ( ) question is too personal

    6. Complete the following sentence... (4marks)
    ______ ________ ________ _________ .

    7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?

    8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question:
    "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".

    Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement?
    ( ) None
    ( ) some times
    ( ) uncountable

    9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get:
    ( ) One rupee?
    ( ) 100 paise?

    10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences...
    (HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1] ).
    I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)

    11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?

    12. At what time does the 11.16 hours Indrayani Express come?

    13. What do you do on a honeymoon?
    ( ) Collect Honey
    ( ) Admire Moon
    ( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon

    14. Earth is Flat?
    ( ) False
    ( ) Indeed False

    15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A?
    ( ) TRUE
    ( ) NOT FALSE
    ( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS

    16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?

    17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.

    18. Complete the following poem:
    Mary had a little lamb
    Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or"^")

    19. This is question number
    ( ) 1
    ( ) 19
    ( ) 20

    20. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5??
    ( ) YES
    ( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR

    21. Write full form of ASAP, as soon as possible ( Hint...As Soon as.. )

    22. Opposite of the word "IN" is
    ( ) NOT IN
    ( ) CRICKET
    ( ) HOCKEY


    23. What is the capital of India?
    ( ) India
    ( ) INDia
    ( ) INDIA

    24. a, e, i, o and u are collectively called "vowels". What are e, a,o, u and i called?

    25. Fill in the blank:
    I am _________ a letter.
    ( ) READING
    ( ) WRITING
    ( ) SEALING

    26. Who was the first MAN to land on moon?
    ( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
    ( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
    ( ) MRS ARMSTRONG

    27. What comes first?
    ( ) the Egg
    ( ) the Omelet

    28. Can you count more than five using your hands?
    ( ) YES
    ( ) NO

    29. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y

    30. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
    ( ) Father
    ( ) Brother
    ( ) Son
    ( ) Daughter

    31. Car A starts from X and car B starts from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have?
    ( ) One
    ( ) Four
    ( ) Seven

    32. To reach the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator?
    ( ) ONE
    ( ) TWELVE

    33. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
    1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.

    34. This one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because...
    ( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
    ( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
    ( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one.

    35. On which day Good Friday falls
    ( ) Sunday
    ( ) Wednesday
    ( ) Saturday






    Useless facts ! Weird Information humor
    WEIRD !!!!!

    The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

    111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
    The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
    "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
    A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
    The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.





  2. #2
    hhh_4_jain
    Guest
    waah gud work



  3. #3
    bosss_lal
    Guest
    .
    303



  4. #4
    mazzamana
    Guest
    "STUPID'S EXAM PAPER" - very funny.



  5. #5
    Member Array
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    in ur eyes...
    Posts
    390
    Rep Power
    0
    very funny and awesome collection!!



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