How to tell someone bad news
A man goes on a 2 month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days you could of broke me the news easier. When I called before I left, you could of told me we found him on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down. Then when I called you from the airport you could of told me the Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry ... you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright .. Alright, forget about it. Anyway, how's Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
Wash The Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner 'Mom & Pop' grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 'Oh, no laundry,' the boy said, 'I'm going to wash my dog.' 'But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.' But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 'Oh, he died,' the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, 'I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.' 'Well,' the boy replied, 'I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.' 'Oh? What was it then?'
'I think it was the spin cycle!' the boy replied again
Three Dogs at the Vets
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here".
The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug".
The next dog then comes in and say's,"My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".
"And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
God and Dog
1. On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
2. On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
3. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
4. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
5. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
6. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
7. On the seventh day, God tried to rest.......but He had to walk the dog
Basic House Rules for Dogs
1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair, QUICKLY! If you can't manage that in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, any good rug will do.
2. ALWAYS accompany guests to the bathroom. It's not necessary to do anything; just sit and stare.
3. Do not allow closed doors in ANY room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws.
4. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled with food.
5. Once a door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you've ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. It's particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
6. Begin people training early. You'll then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.
"What's in that box?" Mrs. Riddle asked.
"A cat," Mrs. Biddle answered.
"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them." "But the mice you dream about are imaginary," said Mrs. Riddle.
Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, "So is the cat."