I recieved this in my email inbox not so long ago and its extremely funny, lots of sarcasm in it..i'm sure we can all relate to some parts of it, it's long but do read if your up for good laugh.
This article is long overdue. Despite being an incredibly handsome
unmarried 20 year old stallion who has never even come close to
tying the proverbial knot, I feel I have more than enough
experience in the realm of Asian weddings to be able to write an article or
two or three about how weddings work in our sub contracted Indian
culture. Think of this as a sort of wedding guide for those
young, soon to be married Asianâ€™s, and indeed, those poor unfortunate
non-Asian souls who, unknowing to them, have incurred god's wrath
and decided to marry into a Asian family. Shudder.
No Asian wedding is complete without a fight or 2. Be it the guest list or the color of napkins - there is always something to have a good ol fashioned battle royal
over. Although normally inconsequential, these fights can sometimes boil over, with people (often close relatives) refusing to attend the wedding and canvassing others to do the same. The reason? No one (boycotee's included) are really sure - though it most probably has it's roots in the fact that the day of the wedding (planned 6 months ago) has fallen on the same day as a senior aunties' dentist appointment. Said auntie was well within her right to ask brides parents to change the day of the wedding, the parents refused outright, resulting in some 'izzat' related problems for the auntie and other members of her clique.
The Wedding Card
Always a joy to read. Spelling mistakes, 77 names crammed into a
wedding card the size of a postage stamp.
Mr and Mrs Ahmed rekwest the pleasure of your company at the Walima
Seremoneee of their beloved shon, Muhammad Grandosn of the late Tariq Ahmed and Maryam Hussain. Newphew of Hasan Khan, Cousin of Tanveer Yusuf,
Ex-husband of Fatimah Raja, Friend of Ameena Sarwar.
The Guest list
Ahh...the guest list. Your social circle tops well over a
thousand, unfortunately, the royal Albert hall was booked out on June 17th so
you had to make do with the local town hall instead - capacity..250.
For a reason unknown to anyone bar god himself, desi parents are
compelled to invite all sorts of barely related weirdo's to the
wedding. Remember that questionably homosexual 'uncle' you met at your
cousins' BBQ? - Yup, he's invited. Your close friend of 15 years, Ahmed? No space for him unfortunately. Guest list are hard - their construction requires a lot of time,
effort and patience. They also require common sense, something
which, in a wedding household is strictly at a premium. So stupid, idiotic and downright barmy decisions will be made.
The theft of course, comes in the form Grand Theft Khussa. For those
unfamiliar with indo-pak culture, the wedding celebrations cullminate in a somewhat bizarre ritual where sisters/cousins from the brides side steal (yes, thatâ€™s right - steal) the grooms shoes. Like a swarm of shalwar kameez clad locust, they swoop in...Literally wrestling the shoes of the poor sods' feet. He is
left there, bewildered - in a state of shock. He has essentially been mugged by a group sissy girls in front of his family and friends. If the loss of dignity wasnâ€™t bad enough, the groom is now obliged to pay obscene amounts of money for the safe return of his shoes...so begins the bargaining. What would you pay for the return uncomfortable shoes that reveal your short stature? Â£10...Â£15 at the most. Yet for some reason, the idiot groom ends up forking over Â£300 to get his shoes back. It is the ghetto equivalent of being mugged for your Nokia 3210 and being forced to buy it back from the mugger at over 10 times the market rate. Does nobody else find this disturbing? I swear, come my wedding day - I would rather walk out of the banqueting hall barefoot, than pay for the shoes I 'never wanted to wear in the first place'. Or better yet, maybe Iâ€™ll fight back. Letâ€™s see how brave
the girls are when I decide to throw a few punches. One black eye
saving of Â£300. Well worth it if you ask me.
At some point in midst of wedding fever, the sodding groom will
be force-fed ladoo (an Indian sweet, spherical in shape...mucus orange in colour. by a group of about 33 barely related 'aunties' . Each auntie will turn up with about half a ladoo, ceremoniously forcing it down the grooms throat. In a period lasting
no more than half an hour, the groom would have eaten the equivalent
of about 10 boxes of Ambala - adding an extra 7 kg to his weight in the process.
The Number of Events
Asian weddings have enough events to confuse most attendees into
believing that they have been invited to the wedding of a grand
Venetian prince, not Mr. Khanâ€™s 20yr old son. The mendhi, the
pre-mendhi, the pre pre-mendhi, the registration, the shadhi, the
nikkah, the valima, musical nights, laptop evening's, egg and
spoon race...arrgh. By the time the wedding festivities are over, the
happy couple would have had 3 kids - with twins on the
Perhaps the single most annoying person on the face of the earth. The semi-professional cameraman scours the wedding hall, 1987 Camera
in Hand with an absurdly bright light attached. He will invariably
catch you when you are stuffing your face with Kebabs, or when you
have a few grains of rice stuck to your chin. His light is almost
blinding, comparable perhaps, to a near death experience...yet he
still keeps it on - full blast, with an astonishing disregard for
the pawns in his sordid Bollywood debut.
The bride comes in wearing a red bed sheet embedded with sequins
and the groom is dressed like Aladdin. I am yet to see a Asian wedding
where something other than that is the case.
Oh boy. Segregated weddings just do not work. The intention is fantastic, seperate the men from the women, minimise free-mixing, promote islamic culture. Great. Unfortunatley, this holy intention isnt shared by all. The organisers seem to think that a mere silk curtain will prevent wife seeking loners from the mens side from
venturing into enemy teritory. The sanctity of the curtain will
last for about half an hour, after which, the first breach will occur usually a close male relative/uncle. Before long, the curtain will fall - much like the berlin wall, with folk flocking to either side...rejoicing in their liberating victory over the tyrant
organisers. A bit of advice, segregation will only work with an electric fence. Perhaps a few dogs patrolling the buffer zone.
And so, there we have it. A guide/review - call it what you want.
The circus show that is a Asian wedding, there's always one
looming on the horizon.
guyz do reply
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