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Thread: doctor and patient joke...

  1. #1
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    doctor and patient joke...

    Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
    Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
    Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.

    Doctor (to the patient): Did I not give you the medicine yesterday?
    Did you
    take it?
    Patient: Yes, sir. But I did not drink it.
    Doctor: Why?
    Patient : (Pointing to the bottle) : Because it is written on the
    Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.

    Dentist (to the patient): For God's sake, stop making those noises and
    waving your arms. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
    Patient : Yes, I know. But u're standing on my foot.

    Doctors son: Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give
    some guidelines of success.
    Doctor father: Always, write your prescriptions
    illegibly and your bills legibly.

    Doctor: Yes, what is it I can do for you?
    Patient : Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my
    told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body's blood
    would go
    into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn't anyone say that all the
    would go into the legs?
    Doctor: The fact's your legs are not that hollow as your head is.

    Doctor: Mr. Kishan, you look exhausted.
    Kishan: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I
    to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for

    Doctor: Liquor is a slow poison for you.
    Patient: It's all-right. I'm not in a hurry.

    Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor.
    Doctor: Are you thirsty?
    Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

    Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?
    Doctor: Fifty rupees.
    Patient: Fifty ruppes, for only a few second's work?
    Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.
    Patient: How much is for the operation?
    Doctor: Rupees on thousand.
    Patient: But it was a serious one.
    Doctor: Nonsense. You can't buy a serious operation for Rupees one
    now-a days.

    Mohan : (to the doctor) : Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?
    Doctor : Your eyesight seems to be poor.
    Mohan : How did you come to that conclusion?
    Doctor: You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This
    is a
    veterinary hospital.

    The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I
    hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you
    like to see?".
    "Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor".

    A patient: Doctor, I don't feel hungry after taking meal.
    Doctor: Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit.
    (After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).
    Doctor: Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and
    one before you get-up.

    Patient: Doctor, I can't sleep.
    Doctor: Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off.

    Patient: I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors.
    Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?

    Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?
    Doctor: Use a pencil till I come to see your son.

    Patient: Doctor, I feel there are two of me.
    Doctor : Very well, I shall see you, one at a time.

    Romi : (to the doctor): Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
    Doctor: Tell her to come in.
    Romi: I cannot
    Doctor: Why so?
    Romi: Because she does not stop at this floor.

    A fat lady: (To a health expert). Give me some advice that can reduce
    Health expert: Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left
    at a
    particular time.
    Fat lady: At which particular time?
    Health expert: Whenever anybody asks you to eat.

    Doctor (to an absent-minded patient): What is wrong with you?
    Patient: I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine.
    Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while): Here, Take this.
    Patient: Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all

    Doctor (to a patient) : you must take four tea-spoonfuls of this
    before every meal.
    Patient: Doctor, we've only 3 spoons at home.

    Patient to doctor: On the top of your prescription these words are
    We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send
    to God?
    Doctor: Pay me. I will send it.

    Patient: Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness.
    Doctor: You can pay by cash, cheque or money order.


    Patient: Are you sure that you can do this operation safely?
    Doctor: That is what I want to find out myself.

    Doctor to patient: Why are you nervous?
    Patient: Because this is the first item I am going to have An
    Doctor: But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first

    Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your
    Doctor: Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet.

    Patient: I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your
    at this time of night.
    Doctor: Don't worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill
    birds with one stone.

    Woman patient : Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die.
    Doctor : You did the right thing to call me.

    A patient to his friend: I am taking rest cure.
    Friend: What do you do?
    Patient : I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very

    Doctor to woman patient: Your husband is too fond of strong coffee.
    should not give it to him.
    Patient: But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak

    Doctor: You have trouble with your throat? Have you ever gargled with
    Patient: Yes. In last summer, I was almost drowned while swimming.

    Doctor to woman: What is the matter about your husband?
    Woman: He is worrying about money.
    Doctor: I think I can relieve him of that.

    Patient to friend: I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory.
    Friend: What did he do?
    Patient: He made me pay him in advance.

    Doctor: Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is
    an indication of old age.
    Husband: Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?

    Patient: Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am
    Doctor: How old are you now?
    Patient: 40
    Doctor: Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?
    Patient: No. I don't drink. I don't gamble. I don't smoke. I have no
    Doctor: Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?

    Patient: Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine.
    The doctor was very much pleased.
    He asked : Did it really help you?
    Patient: It helped me wonderfully.
    Doctor: How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?
    Patient: I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am
    sole heir.

    Patient: Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don't mind.
    do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?
    Doctor: You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc.

    Doctor to Patient: Don't worry about your heart. If will
    function as long as you live.

    A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.
    The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many
    large volumes on his shelves. Finally, he asked the patient : Have you
    this trouble before?
    He answered: Yes.
    Doctor said: You have again got it.

    A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.
    Doctor said: It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age.
    Patient: The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does

    Doctor: You have cataract in your eyes. But you need not worry It is
    Patient: Death is also hereditary. Does it mean we should not worry

  2. #2
    Senior Member Array
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    Country: India
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    One liner jokes

    My friend has a fine watch dog.
    At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

    "Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
    "Please wait someone else is using it."

    "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
    "I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

  3. #3
    nice 1z

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