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Thread: a few good jokes

  1. #1
    hbikram
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    a few good jokes

    Blondes Year in Review [American Style]

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

    March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

    April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

    August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

    September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

    October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

    December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

    What a year!!


     




    A young blond was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frus trated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blond shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blond headed out toward the swamp determined to catch an alligator.

    Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

    The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blond struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "CRAP... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"



    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with
    very big smiles on
    their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them
    what has happened.

    Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A
    Frenchman, 60, died of heart
    failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous
    smile."

    "Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds
    on the lottery, spent
    it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
    smile."

    The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

    "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual
    one. Danny Earl, the
    Dubliner, 30, struck by lightning."

    "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

    "Thought he was having his picture taken."




    Subject: B & Q JOB APPLICATION
    This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
    submitted to
    B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
    They hired him because he was so funny.....
    NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
    SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
    cooperate)
    DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously,
    whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
    in
    the first place - would I?
    DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style
    redundancy
    package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
    EDUCATION: Yes.
    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
    PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
    notes.
    REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
    intimate
    environment.
    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
    50
    lbs.?: Of what?
    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you
    have
    a car that runs?"
    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner
    of
    the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
    On my breaks - yes!
    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
    fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel and who thinks I'm the
    greatest
    thing since sliced bread.
    Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
    NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
    KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.



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