Jokes

darani · Posted: December 08 2006 Post subject: Cute jokes for all...

1. An old man was walking along the road. A car stopped near him and a got out of it. He asked the old man,
“Sir, shall I give you a lift?”
The old man replied,
“No need I live on the ground floor”

2. Two pupils were fighting outside the examination hall. The teacher came out and said:
T : Why r u fighting?
S : Teacher, he left his answer sheet blank
T : Why should that bother you?
S : I too left my answer sheet blank
T : So…?
S : The teacher will think that we have copied from each other.

3. A : B, which is this crop in the farm?
B : This is cotton from which clothes are made.
A : Then when will shirts and pants grow on it?

4. Teacher : Why are you late?
Student : Because there was a sign which tells “School ahead, go slow”.

5. A : Why have you kept the newspaper in the fridge?
B : Because it is full of HOT NEWS.

6. Professor : What three words are the most used by college students?
Student : I don’t know.
Professor : Absolutely correct.

7. Conductor : Why are you getting an extra ticket?
Passenger : If I lose one ticket, the other would save me.
C : What would you do if you lose both?
P : I am not a fool. I have my bus pass.
C : ????????

8. Lady : The design of the sari is excellent. But the colour is not good.
Salesman : Don’t worry mam. The colour will disappear after the first wash.

9. Teacher : “I killed a person”, convert this sentence into future tense.
Student : The future tense “you will go to jail”.

10. Mother : Reena, tell me why does a bear have it’s body covered with hair?
Daughter : Actually Mom, there is no barber in the forest.

darani · Posted: December 09 2006 Post subject: some more in this...

Man & wife catch a thief.
Fat wife sat on thief's back, askd hsband 2 go get Police,
hsbnd was takin time 2 find his shoes.
Thief cried: O meri hi jutti pa jaa!

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and
cries - "DOC, DOC...I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my
legs!!!
"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut
off both of your arms."

Dil se bolu ek baat me sachchi,
Hum tum ek daal ke panchhi,
Dosti hamari ye hogi na kachchi,
Teri photo se to meri negative achchhi...

My Words Are Antibiotic, My Smile Is analgesic, My Touch Is Anti
Inflammatory, My Presence Is Antiseptic,My Feeling Is antipyretic. ..
Thats Why I Am Pharmacist.

Pahele TEJ BARIS ki tarah SMS aaye..
Fir RIMJIM SMS aaye..
Ab RUKRUK kar BUND BUND SMS aa rahe he..
kya aage AKAAL ane ki CHETAWANI to nahi?

Jb Apko uparwale Ne Banaya Hoga,
Tab Usko Bhi Bahut Maza Aya Hoga.
Hasi Di Bachon Wali,Surat Di Bholi Bhali,
Mizaz Diya Cool,or Dimaag gya bhul.

Uske pyar mein meri kismat jaag gyi,
Uske pyar mein meri kismat jaag gyi,
Maine usko itne khat likhe ki
woh postman ke saath bhag gayi..

darani · Posted: December 10 2006 Post subject: continuation..

A YOUNG GAL GOES SHOPPING.... .....

GAL :HOW MUCH 4 DAT DRESS ?

NAUGHTY SHOPKEEPER : 5 KISSES ONLY!

GAL :AND DAT DRESS?

NAUGHTY SHOPKEEPER :10 KISSES ONLY!

GAL :PACK DAT ONE

SHOPKEEPER [EXCITEDLY]: BILL PAYMENT PLZ..?

GAL : GRANDMA WILL PAY!!!!!!!!! !!!

darani · Posted: December 18 2006 Post subject: Cute meanings

Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce:
Future tense of marriage

Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower...

Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

darani · Posted: December 21 2006 Post subject: Break Into the House

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"

darani · Posted: December 21 2006 Post subject: Lost Wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you
talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out
of nowhere."

darani · Posted: December 21 2006 Post subject: Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said
the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his
feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to
see you standing up there all by yourself."

darani · Posted: December 21 2006 Post subject: Hearing

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

darani · Posted: December 21 2006 Post subject: Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day
of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, "So, why is the
groom wearing black?"

darani · Posted: December 21 2006 Post subject: Dream

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to
his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the
package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".

darani · Posted: December 22 2006 Post subject: MP joke...

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR NAME ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : TELL ME PROPERLY

CANDIDATE : MOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER : YOUR FATHER'S NAME ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?

CANDIDATE : MANMOHAN PAL SIR

OFFICER : YOUR NATIVE PLACE

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : IS IT MADHYA PRADESH ?

CANDIDATE : NO, MUNNUR PAL SIR

OFFICER : WHAT IS YOUR QUALIFICATION?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : (ANGRILY) WHAT IS IT ?

CANDIDATE : METRIC PASS

OFFICER: WHY DO YOU NEED A JOB ?

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER: AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?

CANDIDATE : MONEY PROBLEM SIR

OFFICER : DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : EXPLAIN YOURSELF CLEARLY

CANDIDATE : MAGNANIMOUS PERSONALITY SIR

OFFICER : THIS DISCUSSION IS NOWHERE, YOU MAY GO NOW

CANDIDATE : M P. SIR

OFFICER : WHAT IS IT NOW

CANDIDATE : MY PERFORMANCE....?

OFFICER : MP !!!

CANDIDATE : WHAT IS THAT SIR..?

OFFICER : MENTALLY PUNCTURE

darani · Posted: January 20 2007 Post subject: continuation...

Lady : So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way 2 marry ur daughter!

A lady delivered twins. Suprisingly one is a boy and another is a dog how it is possible?
Bcoz her husband is HUTCH DEALER.... wherever u go out network follows

Dream makes al things possible, Hope makes al things work, luv makes al thigs beutifl, smile makes al d abv so always BRUSH UR TEETH...!

Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and ur parents.

A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would u do if u had to arrest ur own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."

A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly?
The father says to him, don't stress my son u should see the one who is reading this!!

darani · Posted: February 22 2007 Post subject: continuation...

Ravan had 20 eyes but he sighted only one woman ....you have only 2 eyes but you sight every woman.
Now who is Ravan??????? ?????????

Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without
brain..
Please tell them your age!!!!!!

Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: How does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush.

Munna bhai: agar bina daton ka kuta kate to kya karna chahiye?
Circuit: simple, bina sui ke injection lena chahiye.

Bikhari: 50 paise de de maine 3 din se khana nahin khaya hai
Kanjoos: 10 rupaye dunga , pahele ye bata 50 paise mein khana kahan milta hai.

Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 maale se gir gaya tha
Banta: toh fir bach gaya ya mar gaya ?
Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai.

Boy: mom, aaj mera dost ghar aa raha hai....ghar ke sab khilone chhupa do
Mom: tera dost chor hai kya?
Boy: nahin, woh apne khilone pehchan lega.

In aptitude test...River Kaveri is in which state?
Sardar: liquid state (brilliant answer).

INTERVIEW : Imagine, in a closed room , how can you escape if it caught fire?
Sardar: Simple, stop imagining.

Sardar starts shouting in a store...... where is my free gift with this
oil?
Shopkeeper : there is nothing free with this
Sardar: it is written CHOLESTROL FREE.

Sardar 100 watt bulb par baap ka naam likh raha tha
Baap ne puchha "kya kar rahe ho?"
Sardar : baap ka naam roshan kar raha hoon.

Sardar: in my dreams rats play football evry night
DR: take this tablet you will be ok
Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final match.

darani · Posted: March 18 2007 Post subject: continuation...

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child.
When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.
I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
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My sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time. She went into labor, and my brother bundled her off to the hospital. A short time later, I arrived to keep him company, and he met me in the lobby. "Come back ," he said.
As we walked through the maternity ward, one patient gave my bulging figure a startled glance. "Will you look at, that!" we heard her exclaim to her roommate. "There he goes with another one!"
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Toward the end of my pregnancy, my doctor was called out of town. Right after he left, labour pains started and I headed for the hospital. Things progressed so quickly that I was never told who the attending doctor would be.
A stranger in scrub suit, gloves and mask rushed into the room, delivered the baby, and dashed back out.
My husband leaned over me, and asked in a whisper, "Who was that masked man?"

darani · Posted: March 18 2007 Post subject: DIDI-SISTER

Santa ke ghar Ladki ne janam liya..

Banta: jab ladki badi hogi to ladke ise chedenge.
Santa: Maine iska intejaam kar liye hai.
Banta: kya kiya?

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Santa: Ladki ka naam DIDI rakh diya hai

Jokes

Cute jokes for all...